I don’t understand, it is easy, why can’t you just get it done?

Pause

I don’t care about whatever problems you have with your system, that isn’t my problem, it is yours, our system. Why are you projecting your problems on me? I have my own problems to deal with let alone yours.

Pause

You know I pay for your companies service, do you know where that money goes? To pay your salary. So if you want to keep my business, and keep paying your bills, you better fix this within the hour. If this isn’t done there will be hell to pay.

And he slammed down the phone.

In retrospect, he pondered whether what he had just said to the poor boy on the other end of the line was the correct course of action, as ,he is only a servant of the company, and not the company itself. It wasn’t the boys fault that things had gone wrong. He was just the messenger of bad news, and anyway things always go wrong.

He took a moment, and chuckled at the times of late that he had made a mistake and hurried to try to fix it before it went noticed. But he got away with it.

So today was different, they were in the wrong, the problem went noticed and he was put out by this error. The thought process he had taken made him only more aggravated. Of course he was right. He paid for something, and as he paid for it, he better darn get it!

If the boys day was ruined by his temper, then today that is part of the boys job description. You never get anywhere in this world without breaking some peoples bones. If you are nice, they will just take advantage of you.

Maybe not in the purposeful manner, but the person who complains always gets dealt with before the nice ones who wait. And he was no fool, no one was going to take advantage of him, they should know who he is, and respect him.

But then doesn’t this make him the bad person, obviously he wasn’t the only person having issues with the company, the boy said their system was down. He was now depriving some nicer person of their time, so they would attend to his first.

Well if they are being nice, its probably because they have the time to waste. A little old lady or some person who only works part-time, probably an artist, god he hated artists. He thought, no matter what you do, it has to be economically viable, and the arts aren’t viable. His wife always told him that not all facets of society revolve around economics and that the arts must be looked at in a different light. They bring something different to society, culture. Silly woman, she didn’t know what she was talking about.

But, he thought, we are only human, a saying which boils down to meaning we all make mistakes. The essence of the saying is simply that we are human, and being in that form, we will not do things correctly all the time. If we wanted perfection we would deal with robots, but then we get aggravated that there isn’t a real person to talk to on the other end of the line.

He had enough and left, without further tending to the problem, he could easily delegate this to someone else. And he did. Why waste his time on petty issues? He had worked hard, and decided it was time to venture home early.

When he returned home, his pretty young wife wasn’t there, how odd. She never leaves the house without me, that bitch, he thought. So instead of the usual ritual he sat in this chair and waited for her, thinking of all the complaints he had for her on her return.

The stress of his business and the corporate world had made him so negative, so bitter.

Why do we consume so much information on the internet? So many people put up shitty videos, or blogs or twitters or facebooks. Mass mass consumption of information. Consume consume consume. Is this the new form of obesity?

Further, previous information consumption would be done in a library or some other information area. Now, because of the iPhone, and so much mobile capability, this consumption has no area restriction.

We can consume wherever we are, on whatever we like, however much we want. Generally useless; like the MSG, fillers and flavours that are toxic for our body. Information obesity is here.

How do I stay thin and consume only what is good for me?

p.s. I cannot respond to replys, as far as I know, so I will as “p.s.’s”, because I like p.s.’s.

p.s.1 To use another analogy, we, as a generation, are currently like a Mussel or any marine filter feeder, we filter to what we need, but still there are repercussions from all those heavy metals we encountered along the way. We will find out exactly what those repercussions are later.

One day a postman got really angry because too many people ordered shoes from the internet.

Too many packages! he said

The postman got so angry that he went all red and then turned into Evil Postman and stole everyone’s shoe packages.

His power was that he had infinity amount of shoes that exploded when he threw them at the goodies.

One day after killing heaps of people who were looking up the internet in a cafe, he put on some super cowboy boots that were meant for grandpa and went for a little walk to pick daisy’s.

Grandpa Ordered the shoes to make him more tough compared to the other Grandpas.

Evil Postman got real thirsty on the way to the daisy field. Grandpa saw him and said, I have fresh lemonaide for you.

He knew that all evil postmen loved fresh lemonaide.

The Evil Postman came in and said give me all your lemonaide or I will blow you up with my shoe bombs!

But Grandpa knew heaps because he was really old and said NO SHOES IN THE HOUSE!

That was the secret passcode and Evil postman exploded into 100 coins.

Grandpa collected 58 of the coins but he was too old and slow and the rest disappeared.

Grandpa went onto the internet and there was one pair of super cowboy boots left. They were on a super cowboy boot grandpa sale for only 20 dollars.

So Grandpa used the rest of the money to buy everyone really big cakes from the cafe which brought everyone who died back to life.

the end.

Michael Burke (Comedy Talks)

Michael Burke (nickname Scraggles) was born 20 November 1085 and is currently aged 925 and is best known for his many appearances. What is not known about these differing appearances, is that if they are costume or some anthropomorphic power that Scraggles has.

Biography

At the age of 25 Scraggles was bitten by a werewolf, therefore transforming himself into a werewolf. Realising his dilemma he decided to start trying different things to save himself, this is of course, really quite interesting, but we wont bore you with the details. Except that one incident involved his sidekick, LightMan, who was this lamp that he bought from a thrift shop for like 5 bucks or something, and one they they were doing crimefighting but they lost because the bad guys knew that all they had to do was unplug Lightman from the socket and then he would just be a stupid light. Also Lightman was a touchlamp, but he didn’t like to talk about it. He had totally heaps of sidekicks

Most of them (every single one of them) were failures until one day when eating an apple with William-Teller man (whos power was telling bad guys secrets by shooting them on arrows to passerbys), he mistimed the apple coming to his face and bit into his own hand. This bite then confused the werewolf bits inside him because he had been bitten by another werewolf who was actually himself. The werewolf didn’t understand the paradox it had entered into and instead ran away, leaving some of its belongings such as ‘living really really long’.

Scraggles can be killed by a silver bullet or a normal bullet. His point is that guns are dangerous whatever they are made of and there needs to be tighter controls on who has them, but he isn’t the only person who thinks this.

In 2009 Scrichael (affectionate term) commenced pain and embarrassment by doing little comedy talks the people in a dark room. This suited him as he had a few skin blemishes at the time and couldn’t afford Nivea, even thought it was on sale. He continued doing this much to the dismay of many others, excluding audience members who died instantly.

To this day no one knows what Michaeles says on stage as no one has survived. He has become an urban legend since July 2010 when he kinda just disappeared. But he will be back… and you don’t know what will happen when or nothing because you a dumb…

Rumors

In late 2008 and early 2009 rumors started to spread that Michael was actually a reptilian shapeshifter. This occured after someone noticed that a shadow wasn’t in the right place on the moon landing. The dude that noticed it, whose name was Dennis Calleer (mind you, it had been discovered years prior but Dennis rediscovered it after he watched a youtube clip about how the moon landings were faked), said ‘hey you, you are a reptilian shapeshifter!’ and pointed at Michael. At that point Michael had a panic attack and developed the ability to turn into a reptilian. He also developed ‘awesome attack mode’ which he trademarked.

“They” are making a movie about it.

Other

Michael has appeared at the Melbourne international Comedy Festival (Celebrity TheatreSports Champion), Sydney Comedy Festival (National TheatreSports), Western Australia Comedy Festival (A show about Satan where he played a Christian) and Edinburgh Fringe Festival, and also heaps of other stuff.

Conclusion

CLICKHEREFORFREEMONEY

Michael b

Australia, WA, 6157

.

31 March 2011

.

Dear Mr Nivea,

Potential Advertisement for your Product

I write in relation to you recent campaign of advertisements for your various skin moistening products. I would firstly like to commend you on the great effort that your advertising agency went to in scripting and piecing together these sales masterpieces.

I especially like the one where someone feels healthier and younger and more confident from using your products. Isn’t that great! I think so, and so does the general public. Many of my friends have recently said to me in conversation, ‘Wow Michael, have you seen those new Nivea adds, aren’t they just super dooper!’¹

Respectfully, these shitty adds leave everyone wanting more and I have a much better idea. Please find as follows:

1. Australian Man add:

Australian man wearing a big aussie hat with corks on it (that’s what we like to do, we call it a corkie and it is where the term, ‘to have a corker’ came from, which means to find a wild rabbit, I think) also he is wearing something that builders that do work on farms would wear, and boots and little shorts, we call them stubbies. He is kneeling down with one hand on the aussie dessert and looks up to the camera (you don’t say this part)

“Australia, the sunburnt country, look at this cracked earth” - slow and all Australian-y

Then what the guy does is that he has a glass of water with him (next to him in the desert, thats funny), and he gets all the water and he pours it over the cracked earth. If you are from Australia, WHICH YOU ARE NOT (like Vegemite or Tazos (not Taz, he is a cartoon character)), you would know what I am talking about.

“ See, nothing, doesn’t even seep in, PAUSE (people here are like, wow, what is all this about, I love Australians (even Australians would say this), look it just turns into a dangerous snake” - accents on the funny bits.

During that dialogue bit (I guess it is a monologue, but you don’t need to think about these things, you should keep doing what you do best which is makes trucks) the camera has panned from the water on the ground to his face and when he says dangerous snake he lifts his hands into view of the camera (not seen by the public, the camera that is) and he is holding a scary snake (this can actually be a dangerous snake if you want to, or just one that looks all dangerous because it is red or something, like frogs)

Then he puts the snake into a snake bag and it disappears upwards on screen (like magic, symbolism, but really using some rope you can edit out)

“That’s why I use Nivea body lotion”

Where the glass used to be where he put it down there is now a bottle of Nivea (that’s you). As he is saying this he pours in on his hands and rubs it in. “Ahhh yeah”

then he starts pours it on the earth and starts to rub it in with a quirky and quizzical look on his face.

“refreshing”

Then it zooms out as he is still rubbing it in and into it looks like the desert but as it zooms out it is really a really hot babe wearing a smoking bikini laying in the sun and she is really sexy.

Also the guy talks with an aussie accent the whole time!

END IDEA!!!

So what do you think about the things that I wrote? It is pretty simple and effective for a 1 shot (or you might say 1 take) add. The recent trend of adds asks for something clever rather than something boring and informative. Take the trend on Youtube with adds being prior to videos, the usual consumer of Youtube will not watch something that is boring, but probably would with something quirky.² Everyone loves a meme!! Also it ends with a smoking hot babe in a bikini, which is pretty cool.

This idea is mine and you are not allowed to appropriate any portion of it or use it as a derivative for any other add campaign for yourself including to all subsidiary companies you may have an interest in. This has been expressed to you for the purpose of a potential business arrangements and all interests designs, ideas and works remain and vest in the writer. Any use of this idea may constitute a breach of copyright and action will be taken to the full extent the law provides.

This idea, if not responded to within 21 days will then be passed onto other companies of a similar product to yours. It has not been written for your benefit, but you have an opportunity use these ideas should a business arrangement be entered into.

Should you wish to discuss the use of this add, or others I have made in a similar series, please contact me on burkey_boy@hotmail.com which is an email address I made in 1998 when I was a child but I still use it even though I am now an adult.

So yeah, get back to me with how many cash dollars you would like to give me for this idea or for further ideas. I am not an idiot.

.

Kind regards,

Michael b

.

About me (just so you know):

I am a comedian and improviser from Australia having performed at WA Comedy Festival, Melbourne International Comedy Festival, Sydney Comedy Festival and Edinburgh Comedy Festival.

I am pretty cool and this guy who is also really cool told me on Facebook recently that I am cool, so it is vouched.

1Not a real conversation, not at all.

2Michael fact, not real fact

He went in there every every so often. If she wasn’t there, he would look around and then leave, hopefully without being noticed. He would try to walk past once and sneak a look in, if he saw her, he would suddenly need something new, if he didn’t, he would walk back a little while later to see if she was just out the back. Unfortunately she didn’t have a set roster, so he never knew when she would or wouldn’t be there.

Today was one of the good days, she was there, so he went in. She had that indescribable smile, he melted from the inside and his muscles relaxed. It felt like everything inside him had turned to air and he could just float over to her. Instead he did some embarrassing little facial gesture and finger point. One that he would blush if anyone he knew saw him doing. She was everything he wanted.

They always had such lovely conversation, she would do all the things he loved, reach out and touch his arm, sometimes her hand would rest there as they joked and talked about their respective days. She would look into his eyes with a slight head tilt, her hair hanging to the side. He legs would shift and her feet would pivot repetitively. When she laughed, each strand of her her hair flew about, and somehow landed in the precise place it lay before. He looked at her as the perfect female projection of what he could ever imagine, petite and classy. She obviously had so much respect for herself, as he did.

She would talk about her friends, but never about a boyfriend, or some boy in her life. She sounded as though she did some amazing things, he loved hearing about her excitements and adventures and after speaking with her, would recreate them, somehow placing himself in there.

Even without knowing her, he felt he could die for her.

One day she stopped being there. He walked by again and again, never there. He contemplated going in and asking about her, but was too timid, he would probably sound like a creep. She must have got another job.

He was still never sure if she liked him, or if she just needed to make the sale. He was always too scared to find out either way. Now he was left with a feeling of loss and longing. Why didn’t she tell him she was going?