One day a postman got really angry because too many people ordered shoes from the internet.

Too many packages! he said

The postman got so angry that he went all red and then turned into Evil Postman and stole everyone’s shoe packages.

His power was that he had infinity amount of shoes that exploded when he threw them at the goodies.

One day after killing heaps of people who were looking up the internet in a cafe, he put on some super cowboy boots that were meant for grandpa and went for a little walk to pick daisy’s.

Grandpa Ordered the shoes to make him more tough compared to the other Grandpas.

Evil Postman got real thirsty on the way to the daisy field. Grandpa saw him and said, I have fresh lemonaide for you.

He knew that all evil postmen loved fresh lemonaide.

The Evil Postman came in and said give me all your lemonaide or I will blow you up with my shoe bombs!

But Grandpa knew heaps because he was really old and said NO SHOES IN THE HOUSE!

That was the secret passcode and Evil postman exploded into 100 coins.

Grandpa collected 58 of the coins but he was too old and slow and the rest disappeared.

Grandpa went onto the internet and there was one pair of super cowboy boots left. They were on a super cowboy boot grandpa sale for only 20 dollars.

So Grandpa used the rest of the money to buy everyone really big cakes from the cafe which brought everyone who died back to life.

the end.

Michael Burke (Comedy Talks)

Michael Burke (nickname Scraggles) was born 20 November 1085 and is currently aged 925 and is best known for his many appearances. What is not known about these differing appearances, is that if they are costume or some anthropomorphic power that Scraggles has.

Biography

At the age of 25 Scraggles was bitten by a werewolf, therefore transforming himself into a werewolf. Realising his dilemma he decided to start trying different things to save himself, this is of course, really quite interesting, but we wont bore you with the details. Except that one incident involved his sidekick, LightMan, who was this lamp that he bought from a thrift shop for like 5 bucks or something, and one they they were doing crimefighting but they lost because the bad guys knew that all they had to do was unplug Lightman from the socket and then he would just be a stupid light. Also Lightman was a touchlamp, but he didn’t like to talk about it. He had totally heaps of sidekicks

Most of them (every single one of them) were failures until one day when eating an apple with William-Teller man (whos power was telling bad guys secrets by shooting them on arrows to passerbys), he mistimed the apple coming to his face and bit into his own hand. This bite then confused the werewolf bits inside him because he had been bitten by another werewolf who was actually himself. The werewolf didn’t understand the paradox it had entered into and instead ran away, leaving some of its belongings such as ‘living really really long’.

Scraggles can be killed by a silver bullet or a normal bullet. His point is that guns are dangerous whatever they are made of and there needs to be tighter controls on who has them, but he isn’t the only person who thinks this.

In 2009 Scrichael (affectionate term) commenced pain and embarrassment by doing little comedy talks the people in a dark room. This suited him as he had a few skin blemishes at the time and couldn’t afford Nivea, even thought it was on sale. He continued doing this much to the dismay of many others, excluding audience members who died instantly.

To this day no one knows what Michaeles says on stage as no one has survived. He has become an urban legend since July 2010 when he kinda just disappeared. But he will be back… and you don’t know what will happen when or nothing because you a dumb…

Rumors

In late 2008 and early 2009 rumors started to spread that Michael was actually a reptilian shapeshifter. This occured after someone noticed that a shadow wasn’t in the right place on the moon landing. The dude that noticed it, whose name was Dennis Calleer (mind you, it had been discovered years prior but Dennis rediscovered it after he watched a youtube clip about how the moon landings were faked), said ‘hey you, you are a reptilian shapeshifter!’ and pointed at Michael. At that point Michael had a panic attack and developed the ability to turn into a reptilian. He also developed ‘awesome attack mode’ which he trademarked.

“They” are making a movie about it.

Other

Michael has appeared at the Melbourne international Comedy Festival (Celebrity TheatreSports Champion), Sydney Comedy Festival (National TheatreSports), Western Australia Comedy Festival (A show about Satan where he played a Christian) and Edinburgh Fringe Festival, and also heaps of other stuff.

Conclusion

CLICKHEREFORFREEMONEY

Michael b

Australia, WA, 6157

.

31 March 2011

.

Dear Mr Nivea,

Potential Advertisement for your Product

I write in relation to you recent campaign of advertisements for your various skin moistening products. I would firstly like to commend you on the great effort that your advertising agency went to in scripting and piecing together these sales masterpieces.

I especially like the one where someone feels healthier and younger and more confident from using your products. Isn’t that great! I think so, and so does the general public. Many of my friends have recently said to me in conversation, ‘Wow Michael, have you seen those new Nivea adds, aren’t they just super dooper!’¹

Respectfully, these shitty adds leave everyone wanting more and I have a much better idea. Please find as follows:

1. Australian Man add:

Australian man wearing a big aussie hat with corks on it (that’s what we like to do, we call it a corkie and it is where the term, ‘to have a corker’ came from, which means to find a wild rabbit, I think) also he is wearing something that builders that do work on farms would wear, and boots and little shorts, we call them stubbies. He is kneeling down with one hand on the aussie dessert and looks up to the camera (you don’t say this part)

“Australia, the sunburnt country, look at this cracked earth” - slow and all Australian-y

Then what the guy does is that he has a glass of water with him (next to him in the desert, thats funny), and he gets all the water and he pours it over the cracked earth. If you are from Australia, WHICH YOU ARE NOT (like Vegemite or Tazos (not Taz, he is a cartoon character)), you would know what I am talking about.

“ See, nothing, doesn’t even seep in, PAUSE (people here are like, wow, what is all this about, I love Australians (even Australians would say this), look it just turns into a dangerous snake” - accents on the funny bits.

During that dialogue bit (I guess it is a monologue, but you don’t need to think about these things, you should keep doing what you do best which is makes trucks) the camera has panned from the water on the ground to his face and when he says dangerous snake he lifts his hands into view of the camera (not seen by the public, the camera that is) and he is holding a scary snake (this can actually be a dangerous snake if you want to, or just one that looks all dangerous because it is red or something, like frogs)

Then he puts the snake into a snake bag and it disappears upwards on screen (like magic, symbolism, but really using some rope you can edit out)

“That’s why I use Nivea body lotion”

Where the glass used to be where he put it down there is now a bottle of Nivea (that’s you). As he is saying this he pours in on his hands and rubs it in. “Ahhh yeah”

then he starts pours it on the earth and starts to rub it in with a quirky and quizzical look on his face.

“refreshing”

Then it zooms out as he is still rubbing it in and into it looks like the desert but as it zooms out it is really a really hot babe wearing a smoking bikini laying in the sun and she is really sexy.

Also the guy talks with an aussie accent the whole time!

END IDEA!!!

So what do you think about the things that I wrote? It is pretty simple and effective for a 1 shot (or you might say 1 take) add. The recent trend of adds asks for something clever rather than something boring and informative. Take the trend on Youtube with adds being prior to videos, the usual consumer of Youtube will not watch something that is boring, but probably would with something quirky.² Everyone loves a meme!! Also it ends with a smoking hot babe in a bikini, which is pretty cool.

This idea is mine and you are not allowed to appropriate any portion of it or use it as a derivative for any other add campaign for yourself including to all subsidiary companies you may have an interest in. This has been expressed to you for the purpose of a potential business arrangements and all interests designs, ideas and works remain and vest in the writer. Any use of this idea may constitute a breach of copyright and action will be taken to the full extent the law provides.

This idea, if not responded to within 21 days will then be passed onto other companies of a similar product to yours. It has not been written for your benefit, but you have an opportunity use these ideas should a business arrangement be entered into.

Should you wish to discuss the use of this add, or others I have made in a similar series, please contact me on burkey_boy@hotmail.com which is an email address I made in 1998 when I was a child but I still use it even though I am now an adult.

So yeah, get back to me with how many cash dollars you would like to give me for this idea or for further ideas. I am not an idiot.

.

Kind regards,

Michael b

.

About me (just so you know):

I am a comedian and improviser from Australia having performed at WA Comedy Festival, Melbourne International Comedy Festival, Sydney Comedy Festival and Edinburgh Comedy Festival.

I am pretty cool and this guy who is also really cool told me on Facebook recently that I am cool, so it is vouched.

1Not a real conversation, not at all.

2Michael fact, not real fact

He went in there every every so often. If she wasn’t there, he would look around and then leave, hopefully without being noticed. He would try to walk past once and sneak a look in, if he saw her, he would suddenly need something new, if he didn’t, he would walk back a little while later to see if she was just out the back. Unfortunately she didn’t have a set roster, so he never knew when she would or wouldn’t be there.

Today was one of the good days, she was there, so he went in. She had that indescribable smile, he melted from the inside and his muscles relaxed. It felt like everything inside him had turned to air and he could just float over to her. Instead he did some embarrassing little facial gesture and finger point. One that he would blush if anyone he knew saw him doing. She was everything he wanted.

They always had such lovely conversation, she would do all the things he loved, reach out and touch his arm, sometimes her hand would rest there as they joked and talked about their respective days. She would look into his eyes with a slight head tilt, her hair hanging to the side. He legs would shift and her feet would pivot repetitively. When she laughed, each strand of her her hair flew about, and somehow landed in the precise place it lay before. He looked at her as the perfect female projection of what he could ever imagine, petite and classy. She obviously had so much respect for herself, as he did.

She would talk about her friends, but never about a boyfriend, or some boy in her life. She sounded as though she did some amazing things, he loved hearing about her excitements and adventures and after speaking with her, would recreate them, somehow placing himself in there.

Even without knowing her, he felt he could die for her.

One day she stopped being there. He walked by again and again, never there. He contemplated going in and asking about her, but was too timid, he would probably sound like a creep. She must have got another job.

He was still never sure if she liked him, or if she just needed to make the sale. He was always too scared to find out either way. Now he was left with a feeling of loss and longing. Why didn’t she tell him she was going?

Look at these idiots he said to his girlfriend as they sat back in the grass. They were at a festival, full of music, packed full of people as far as the eye could see.

He and her, she and him, had been together for years, a number that they no longer kept track of as they plodded through their days. They weren’t technically happy, but they also weren’t upset. There was no real reason in this relationship purgatory for them to depart each others company. It seemed as though they were both just waiting for something else to come along to separate them, someone better that they might secretly see on the side until they were discovered to drive them apart and simultaneously change all the friendships they had made over the years. Or maybe one of them might just die, that happens all the time. Both of them knew people who had died, then the other could quickly move on in grief. But even either one of those crisis that would occur didn’t distract them from the hopeful future of someone else, anything else, even loneliness.

But for the time, here they sat, in the shade, as the sun was too hot for her. He loved the sun, but had learnt to go without, same with so many things, for both of them. They just sat there, neither one knowing why they even came to this deplorable festival. All they did, here or anywhere, was criticise others for the ‘fun’ they were having or what they were doing.

Look at them, he said to her, watching them jump up and down to the music, what a terrible song, they are in the dirt, they are getting burnt, they will feel so bad tomorrow with all that beer in them, blah blah blah the list went on. She agreed without hesitation or thought; with such mild observation. As if whatever he said would be agreed with to avoid any further conversation on the issue.

They watched upon, their favourite singer, on stage running about, belting out what used to be their favourite song. Now they didn’t have a favourite. Their favourite was whatever the other said.

The thing was, these people were having fun, they were loving their life and doing what they wanted without care. Yes, they were dancing like idiots, would feel terrible tomorrow without a doubt, were dirty and burnt all those things. But for now, all they knew was they were doing was right. They were happy to a blissful and unaware extent.

Those people don’t know what fun is, he said as they sat back. Idiots.

So I killed them all. All of them. All dead. I didn’t need them, I now owned this land,  and so them. Accordingly I could do what I want with them. And I did. Dead.

I could have done it nicely, but I didn’t. I tortured and killed every single one of them. I enjoyed it, I loved the power and all that came with it. This was now my place, not theirs.

40,000 birds, it took quite a while, but I got it over and done with the best I could with the resources I had. A couple of nets and a few guns. Every time the guns would heat up too much I would get a different one. I wanted the pleasure of feeling the demise of these poor stupid creatures. They didn’t know any better, it is not like they could talk or build like I could.

They were there first, but that doesn’t matter. It is my land now, I found it and I will fight for it.

Those pesky birds would steal my grain and generally annoy me. I didn’t like that. So I got rid of them.

They fought back for a while, that made me angrier. I was never going to kill that many. It was their fault that so many had to go.

I don’t know why I did it, I could have kept them, but birds are nothing, It’s not like it was a person or something.

They lay there, clothed only in the bed sheets that had somehow clung to them as they slept. He woke before her. Quietly as not to wake this treasure he had discovered. He looked at her in this perfect peace. The body rising and falling with breath, which he had unknowingly timed with his own to be somehow closer to her.

He looked at each piece of this beautiful puzzle which put her together. A nose, taken from the body loses all beauty; it is such a strange shape, it is a nose, as is the same with a hair or nail. But hers was not this. Each part was beautiful in its own right, creating this divine object. Put together, she was without flaw.

As she woke he continued to stroke and caress her skin, aghast in its presence. As he admired her, his own thoughts were wisped away, the usual ones of what one must accomplish in any day. They were gone and even if they returned, they were meaningless. He said to her the only three words that were pulsating his mind.

You are beautiful. She refused to accept these words saying that no one was beautiful in the morning.

She must have taken this in the same vein that she would get all her compliments, to shrug them off as words said only to impress and gain some benefit. But these words were not some script that a man reads from a ‘how to’ book on seduction. These words were real and the only things he could think.

The non-acceptance of his words hurt him, and he sulked for a while.

Music continued to play from the night before, a soft warm song, a song along with the others that will stay with him, not for the words or sounds, but for the memory that would accompany them.

They had not engaged in intercourse, or anything like this, simply kissed and slept, something that was deeper than any sexual activity.

He just wished that she would believe him.

Dearest,
-

A precious discovery,

No map.

The air like honey,

Fire and beauty,

An endless smile,

A golden recurrence.

-

It is summer nights,

When I’m with you.

The rooster crows,

But I don’t worry.

Petals of the sunflower,

Spiral towards us.
-

I taste the elegance,

Into its valley I tumble.

Your song brings me joy,

And tears my eyes.

I don’t worry,

Decompress.

-

Departures are sad,

But I am warmed.

It was a pleasure,

Dearest,

The clock stuck quickly,

The pin already pulled.
-

Yours,

hey look,

its a post card, but it is actually a post———-. like some shitty new wave music, post-neo———-card———-core.

ok babble, yadda. yes! hello dear ————-, please find below, a post card. ta da!

I thought you were special so I put you on the postcard list. and here goes.

you kinda probably know what has been happening in my life from the advent of the ————. and I know about your happenings, stalker!

good things have happened, running a theatre, relatively good friends wiht director ———- —- saw —— ———- score a 1928 silent film. amazing. she is a delight. wish you could have been here. also for amiina and soon ——— ————-!

um, I am glad to hear you are well and great. and excellent about —- —— you are ———-, goodness plus for you.

so yes, this is me for the time being, sitting in ———-, it is very quiet here.

- am thinking of going — a few festivals after ——- which will mean I get to see many ——- on the ‘bucket list’ figure I might as well, but money is always the real issue. Haha

including, —— —-, los camp, liars, les savy fav, ——- ———-, ——- ——, gold panda, ———-, beach house, women, wooden shjips, ———- —- — ——-, then the 3 ATP festivals by Godspeed, ——- & ————- and inbetween. eek music times.. also, as I said, —— tet, ———, nathan fake, zomby and mt kimby on my ———-! (post script: this didn’t happen, instead I went to a psytrance rave because I am successful)

about to go to ———- Airwaves festival. 250+ bands! mostly ———-ic. really cool. I have met some amazing ———-ic bands thus far.

again, it is with ——- pleasure that I can say I met you ———, you really are quite — excellent person, have a blast doing ——- related things, ——- and ——- related things.

I hope to —- you again sometime, somewhere, it would be so ———— you do that. yes yes. enough on that issue, ———I sound like some LOSER! what a loser

says the guy writing on the —— of a ————.

also, I bought a ——— ———, I have been drinking way —- much coffee as there are ———— in my house, I just want some tea, but they don’t seem to ———- too strongly in peppermint tea here, just ——, for a ——- ———-, they drink a lot. Ha

what else. I don’t know, so ———, be well, stay safe, I hope all good things happen for you ————, yes yes.

keep being smoking wonderful and —- —- good things that I won’t write ——.

———-

So here I am, delayed 30 minutes and slightly aggravated by it. The man next to me has an odour I wish I could avoid. It is a flight that will cost me 3 and a half hours and will deposit me in a location completely separate to the one I am currently in. I know, even though my body will be there, my mind and heart will still be here, waiting for my body to return, whenever that will be.

The person in front of me has put their seat down before the time that you are allowed to. I never put my seat down, as to not inconvenience the person behind me. This person is doing it with no thought or regard, and outside the rules! Surely they know what the rules are, we all know what the rules are. The man behind me has fallen asleep and commenced snoring. It has progressively become louder and more intense. I never snore. I would be so embarrassed, that if I did I would never be able to sleep in public.

But these things are little distraction, they are frustrations, and I love the experience of good frustration. Prior to boarding the plane I received the most lovely message on my mobile telephone. It is funny how such a crude form of communication can yield such happiness or sadness.

All these modes of communicating with people; it used to just be letters and talking. When the family got a telephone, it was such a joy and excitement. Now it is just expected that you will get telephone calls, whenever, wherever you are. What does communication mean nowadays? I don’t think people realise the importance of it when it is so widespread; telephones, mobile telephones, emails, letters, mobile messaging, chat programs and some thing called Facebook that I hear so many people telling me is so important.

To me it has lost all meaning, I still don’t understand why someone would write little messages to and fro to each other when they could just as well do what we used to and have a cup of tea together. These things are beginning to replace the usual ways of talking to people, silly fancy telephones and Twitters and the Facebook.

Again, I am angry over nothing, another thing to distract me from the journey I am taking. Where every minute my heart and mind grows further away. These planes are such wretched things. They pick you up in one place then zip you at a speed so fast and so high to another, a place completely different. Just like that. I heard from a friend that you can have more than 24 hours in a day now with the speed of this travel. Going over the world and into different time zones.

Why do we travel? why do we pick ourselves up and go somewhere else? No one did it for thousands of years. Then all of a sudden everyone is in a big rush to get away somewhere else. Like they will find something new and exciting, leaving behind what was there and doing something fresh. Only to return to tell those people what a wonderful time they had away from them. I don’t see what all the fuss is about really.

But alas, soon I will be somewhere else, with my mind still lying where I departed. I wonder what will happen below me all this time. Millions of people will pass below me, living their life. I will just skip them, as if they weren’t important. I want to be there, not there on this plane. These people continue to below, unknowingly ignored by the passengers of all these aircraft, going from place to place, time to time. Always above them, constantly displacing themselves.

Hopefully my mind and heart will soon follow, but for now they are gone.